I’ve learned more about caregiving in the last few years than I did in all my years as a pastor. When I used to visit people in the hospital, I knew enough about the difficulties of caregiving to address the needs of the patient AND caregiver through my words and prayers. I sensed that the one in the bed was receiving necessary medical attention, but who was caring for the person in the family chair? Who even knew the caregiver’s needs? Who even asked about them?

I’m learning about the caregiver firsthand through the selfless presence of my wife, my caregiver. I can only share our story, because no one walks another’s journey. All journeys are not equal. My health condition means that Laurie’s journey as a caregiver is permanent, not temporary; it is progressive, not stagnant. But I write with the hope that these and future words will resonate with others, no matter how different our journeys may be.

One of the first truths that I’ve learned is that every decision a caregiver makes is complicated, layered with factors that most people never need to deliberate. What most of the world considers a “no brainer” decision is, for a caregiver, a conscious repetition that demands weighing a multitude of circumstances. For example, Laurie doesn’t go to the store, walk down the hallway in our home, or even close a cabinet without measuring the impact that might have on me and my condition at the time. It’s a thought sequence that she lives all day, every day.

As most of you know, Laurie is a health coach. She has touched thousands of lives over the last several years. Her company recognizes her exceptional work by rewarding her with trips, including a trip to Greece last year. Another one, a trip to the Dominican Republic, will take place this month. Even though Laurie always meets the qualifications for these trips for herself and a companion, she has never gone. An all-expense-paid trip for two to the most beautiful places on earth…a no brainer, right? Not so for my caregiver. She has made the decision that since my health prohibits me from going, she will not go. We’ve always done life together and that doesn’t stop now, she says. Again, every decision that a caregiver makes is layered with many dynamics.

But a caregiver’s decision-making is usually much deeper than merely working through the pros and cons of a situation. There is something else more powerful going on within the mind of a caregiver. I’ve learned that for Laurie, the most difficult decisions are not decisions at all. They fit in that part of the “in sickness or in health” that we promised each other 38 years ago. In my caregiver’s mind, the circumstances of our journey may have changed, but the commitment to it has not.

I’ll write more lessons from my caregiver later. For now, we should all learn from the caregivers out there, who turn decisions into non-decisions, all because of love.

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