Dear, James, Darcy, and Ellie,

The three of you are members of a community to which no one else in the world belongs. For lack of a more creative term, we will call it the “Children-of-Katherine-and-Eric-Pyles” community. You share a bond that is exclusive to you three. Darcy and Ellie, you share a connection as identical twins that very few in the world will ever understand. And James, your role as big brother to twins places you in rare community as well.

While I would love for the three of you to remain just as you are, God designed you to grow and enter the lives of other people as well. Some of the most important decisions you will make involve deciding the communities to which you will invest yourself.

When you think of community, think bigger than the neighborhood where you live, although that is one important community. Think of community as any group of people who are brought together by a common denominator. For a while, Momma and Dadda will help you choose your communities. In a few more years, they may speak the language of all parents: “Don’t follow that crowd because it’s the wrong one! If your friends say, ‘Go jump off a bridge, would you do it?’” In the language of this letter, they are saying that you are in the wrong community. I hope every one of your communities is good for you, but most of us have learned the hard way — finding what is right by learning from what is wrong. I have some suggestions that might help you choose your communities along the way.

First and foremost, choose the community of God. By choosing to live in communion with God, the other communities will find their proper and subordinate places in your lives (see Matthew 6:33). Long before the three of you were born, I prayed every single day that you would join the community of God. I’m not exaggerating; I continue to pray that every day. I admit a little bit of selfish motivation in that prayer. I want the assurance that when I am no longer holding you, talking to you, describing the world to you, playing with you, and praying with you… when I have left for heaven… I need to know that I will be able to enjoy life with you forever. I think God is okay with that “selfish” prayer!

But of course, it is not just about what I want for eternity. I want you to be in community with God while you live here on earth. No other way compares to the enjoyment and fulfillment of what God intends for you here. You enter community with God by embracing the community of His being. You come to God through the conviction of His Holy Spirit by way of a forgiving relationship with His Son Jesus Christ. Even God Himself lives in community as He expresses Himself through being the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. (If the Trinitarian concept doesn’t provide enough divine community for you, then read the description of God’s creation of man: “Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness …’” (Genesis 1:26, New International Version). The plural pronouns, us and our, in reference to God can be explained in different ways; but for me, they represent God in the divine community of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I will continue to pray daily that the most important thing you do in your life is to choose the community of God.

Second, choose the community of family. Family is a heaven-inspired community on earth, as evidenced in the beginning when God declared: “…It is not good for man to be alone…” (Genesis 2:18, NIV). Family lies at the heart of who we are as human beings. Family is the only community that God chose for you; you didn’t have a single word in the matter.

When God called me to be a minister, my parents, your Momma’s Gran and Grandad, were thrilled, supportive, but also sad. When I accepted my calling, my mother told me that she knew that I would probably never live near them for the rest of their lives. She was correct. My calling meant that I had to live where God sent me. It meant that my beautiful wife, your Gran, would never live close to them, and that was painful because they always considered your Gran to be the daughter they never had. To make matters more painful, when your Momma and Uncle Preston were born, the divine nature of my calling meant that they would never be able to live very close to their grandchildren.

I tell you that history because I understand more now than I ever did about how important community and family really are. Your family loves you more than anything else in the world. You will certainly be a part of many more communities in the future, and it breaks my heart to know that some of those communities will break yours. But second to your community with God, there is nothing as valuable as your community with family. At the end of the day, God and family are what you have.

Third, choosing the many other communities you will join. Hopefully, you will join the community of the church. (We’ll talk a lot more about that in future letters.) Additionally, you may join communities that have to do with shared interests, such as schools that you attend, or hobbies that you may have, or sports in which you may participate, or a myriad of other groups that appeal to you. Your most limited resource is your time; choose its expenditure very wisely. To warrant this special commodity of your time, choose a community that offers much more than common interests. Make sure that the community shares your values. If you don’t choose a community based on what are the most important values in your lives, the community will not be good for you. It may even hurt you.

In the last several years, Gran has chosen to participate in a community of health coaches. She and I both lost 80 pounds in the first months of her business. Since then, she not only has led hundreds of other people to become part of a healthier community, but she has also guided the training of over a hundred coaches to help others in this community of health. Community of support is one of the four cornerstones of their principles. This company is actually one huge community based on the value of living an exceptional life through making healthy choices in all areas of life. Gran is convicted that one of Satan’s greatest works is to keep the community of God bound to poor health in their bodies and minds. Gran was invited to a conference with other like-minded coaches at Sundance Mountain Resort in Utah. It was established by a well-known actor of our time, Robert Redford. While Gran is in meetings, I get to appreciate the beauty of God’s world from the views in our room. I also have been able to enjoy dinner with other coaches. They all have the same common value: to help others live a more meaningful life by taking care of the bodies that God has given them. It is one of the sincerest communities with which I have ever been associated, with some of the finest people of character and integrity that I have ever known.

My point of telling you about this is that I’ve been a part of many different communities in my life, but most of them were based on similar interests or traditions in our lives. But remember, the most important connection of a community must be common value. Look for those communities, the ones who appreciate the same values that you do. Know your values, live your values, strengthen your values by bonding with like-minded communities. That way, you will always be at home.

• Letters to My Grandchildren